Monday, January 31, 2005

Planning never works! but u shud still plan

Well, it always seems so right to plan ahead for the future and expect the plans to work out into actual realities. But, often that is not the case. I'm under a lot of stress currently and wanted a space to open up-out my thoughts hence the initiation to start blogging, considering i was spending so much time at the computer and was a little lazy as well to pick up the pen which is usually mightier than the sword.
That apart, my stress is related to various chapters in my life, chapters or lessons i'm learning as i grow older. Soon i will have completed my education (a post graduate degress in communications) and i'll be faced with the opportunity (i look at it positively) to choose a desired field of interest to direct my career into. I've been dabbling for a little over 8 months on photography and journalism, soon i'll be undertaking training at India's highest ranked Auto Magazine as well. I've been interested in cars and bikes for ever since i can remember, i guess most men are fascinated by it anyway. The difficult part is for me to choose between both my loves, photography and auto journalism. I've always wanted things to be black or white and grey's have never particularly interested me and my acceptability for them too is a very disorienting experience. As i write this, i'm also practicing my writing skills. Yes, i know as u read this u feel its all so unorganised but the reality is that these are my thoughts as they pour out, very haphazard, unorganized, uncouth.
What do i do, the options i have ?
isnt this a question everyone faces when they're capable of doing more than one thing well enough? often is, isnt it? that first bold step towards a goal, to reach that stage in a career when you KNOW what you are doing is very distant for me as i'm still deciding what to do. Soon i'll be at the crossroads of that decision, i can work in india and gradually achieve that goal when i'm financially capable of accepting responsibilities of my girl to wed her. I can moive out of India and reach that stage sooner, i can join my dad in his business abroad or join elsewehere in my field of interest. Dad's into construction so...frankly i have no formal training in building things though i am an abled writer though unprofessional as yet. Experience counts a lot in this field (media & writing) but experience comes by writing doesnt it?
I know that u will read this pallu (my gurl) and also wonder why i havent written to you personally about this and am putting it up on the web, well, i really have no answer to that question so dont ask me for an explanation, its probably the stress and pressure to do something (self induced) on my own asap which called for this action, please dont misunderstand me. hmmm? love u.
Listening to U2 - All because of You, but thank god that its becos of you that i'm having to face this challenge which i'm glad that i'm having to else i would have taken it quite easy and been equally directionless, not a good thing now is it? :)
often i wonder (very often) what am i going to do with my life and it scares the s**t outta me. I think its ok to be a little scared, after all i cant be prepared and plan ahead for every thing can i? nobody really has a solution to my desperate needs, i think i'm writing aimlessly at times, would i have been better off in some other field ? but i really dont know :) so many questions zipping past my mind that i'm not clearly able to decipher, i'm very uncomfortable with my life right now, i'm in the middle of everything and its not something i like.
I miss talking to my dad to discuss such things, our conversations usually are directed towards the construction of our new home in Baroda and seldom beyond that, i miss my sister (she's in OZ) maybe she could have helped, you know, at times is so much better that parents plan the futures of their children for them starting from schooling to their marriage even, but here i have the opportunity to put my ideas and wishes into action by my fully supportive parents who've always let me do what i've wanted. Was it the right thing to do? maybe , maybe not.
i like life in India, i like Life in Bahrain, India has very little to offer me initially in terms of financial achievements, going abroad might help me achieve that sooner. I've always been very sceptical about moving to a new place and dont go down very easily with a change in geographical location, but i also know that without travelling i dont think i'll ever learn anything. So travel i will once i'm done with my education, but then i have to make money first. see, soo many things to think of at the same time. I have a headache which isnt physical but induced by the thoughts in my head.
I havent written a new poem in a very long time, i miss writing poetry, but as it is with poetry, thoughts for me flash by and i fail to pen them down.
thats all for now. laters.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

A Confused our hangout, JJ's cafe